If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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