the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
