i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
