I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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