just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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