The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
A+ Viking dick
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
