i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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