I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
