I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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