I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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