whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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