corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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