I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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