i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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