Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
