i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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