cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
