he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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