Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
