My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
