I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
