Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
