I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
