Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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