i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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