i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
