I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
