The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
