I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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