you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
