did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
