it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
