Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
