So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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