omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
