Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
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