Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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