he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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