I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I see more hoeing in ur future
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
