Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
