i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
