So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
