Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize