he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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