Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
