Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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