Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We don't watch enough power rangers
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
