There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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