Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
