WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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