I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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