plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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