And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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