I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
