my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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