man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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