I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
