Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
