Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
