I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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