I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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