Buhtt sex?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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