Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
