pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
