seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
