my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize