Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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