is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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